Dead Men Walking

Date: 02 December 2008
Category: Coaches
Tagged with: , , , , , ,

After 13 Weeks of NFL action, F&L predicts that as many as 10 Head Coaching positions could/should open up in Jan/Feb 2009. All of you out-of-work NFL fans out there, study up…your shot a million dollar job is just around the corner…just remember to invest wisely, as the avg. NFL Head Coach lasts less than 5 seasons.

Cleveland Browns (Romeo Crennel): This club has so much potential. Unfortunately, they are in a rough division and have nothing on their helmets to attract out-of-state fans.

Jacksonville Jaguars (Jack Del Rio): Head Coaches shouldn’t be wearing leather jackets on the sideline. Wrapping a tie around your neck doesn’t help the situation. Del Rio is a bonehead and has a team full of them. David Garrard is not deserving of his role on the team.

San Francisco 49ers (Mike Singletary): Handed the reigns after the Week 7 firing of Mike Nolan, Singletary has shown flashes of incompetence and offered up the occasional glimpse of his boxer shorts. He was a beast on the field, but he might have played too rough for his own good, as his brain may be a tad mushier than yours or mine.

St. Louis Rams (Jim Haslett): Once known as the “Greatest Show on Turf”, the Rams are in some bad need of some Mountain Dew or something. They are scoring 13.2 pts per game and allowing 30. They need help on both sides of the ball, and something tells me that the (steroid using) 1979 Defensive Player of the Year isn’t going to help much on Offense. Haslett should welcome his old position back…and get to work.

Detroit Lions (Rod Marinelli): How about a two word review for the 2008 Lions: Shit Sandwich.

Cincinnati Bengals (Marvin Lewis): Both Ohio Coaching spots vacant?! Paul Brown is laughing his ass off somewhere cozy and warm…or maybe he’s crying his eyes out…either way, he wouldn’t approve of all the losing taking place in the Buckeye State these days.

Oakland Raiders (Tom Cable): Who can take the Raiders, dig em out of shit, get em a couple wins and then wash his hands of it? The Cable man can. (sing that to the tune of The Candy Man Can) It rhymed…I’m not saying Cable will be the one to leave the Raiders, but there almost certainly has to be a change this offseason…one that will last a few years.

San Diego “Super” Chargers (Norv Turner): Only one man could turn a SuperCharger into a Nova…and that’s the Turner…Norv Turner. Turner-ball doesn’t work. Never will. The only thing about Norv Turner that I find intriguing is the dramatically scarred skin on his face. There must be some priceless photos of a child they called “pizzaface” out there somewhere.

Buffalo Bills (Dick Jauron): Dick knows losing. He played seven seasons with the Lions and Bengals. His 25 INTs as a Free Safety and 2 TDs as a Punt Returner, may give him some cred when it comes to coaching Defenses, but as a Head Coach, aside from a spectacular 2001 season with the Bears, he’s been anything but credible. At 55-71, I think it’s time to stick to one side of the ball, Dick.

Philadelphia Eagles (Andy Reid): One glimpse of his waistline and the lack of a run game becomes crystal clear. Andy Reid hasn’t run a day in his life. Listen to him during press conferences. Coming up with an answer to a simple question takes all the energy he can muster…and then to actually SAY IT? Alert, burning calories too quickly. System shut down in 10, 9, 8… Luckily for Donovan McNabb, Andy completely understands the “being gassed” excuse. The one thing that could save his job is, ironically, the man who needs to leave to secure it…McNabb. The recently-turned-shitty QB has been surprisingly consistent, winning less than 8 games only twice in his career, assuring Reid a winning record. At 101-67, it’d be hard to do, but think about the money they’d save on pasta alone.

*Mike Shanahan, I hope that you are fired too.

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